What is a Real Man?
I’ve seen a recurring theme in my Life Coaching sessions, and conversations in general. It turns out a lot of people don’t understand masculinity.
When most of us hear the phrase “real man,” what comes to mind is something like the Marlboro Man or the guy on the Brawny paper towel roll. He’s rugged (and usually outdoors), displaying strength and toughness. He’s knowledgeable about “guy things” like cars and tools and sports.
When we think of the character of this “real man,” we think of a guy who is loud, opinionated, intimidating, harsh, and could often be described as a bully.
I don’t think that’s what being a real man looks like at all. In fact, this description is just another kind of “guy”. He’s the exact opposite of the passive, never-gonna-grow-up sort I talked about in the last post.
Let’s take a few minutes and explore what separates the guys from the real men.
The Male Spectrum
There is a common misunderstanding that manhood is like a spectrum. On one side you have the macho guy barking orders from his garage, demanding another beer. He thinks his family exists to serve him. He takes the first and best in every situation because he thinks he’s entitled. He demands respect while refusing to earn it. His children despise him and his wife fears him. That’s not a man.
On the other end of this distorted spectrum is the cowardly guy who won’t take responsibility for his life. He waits for others to do things for him. His failures and shortcomings are someone else’s fault. He won’t step up, stand up, man up, and grow up. He’s not a man.
Somewhere in between these two distorted views, we have a real man. He avoids both extremes. He works a steady job, but it’s a safe and boring existence. He doesn’t make waves, because he’s not moving. He’s considered pleasant because he isn’t hot or cold about anything. He sits in the mushy middle, which is right where he’s told to be. He doesn’t offend or inspire. He doesn’t thrive or wither. He just sort of… exists.
This idea that a real man is someone who falls in the mushy middle is simply wrong. A man is not a hybrid; a passive ogre. He’s a different thing entirely.
Characteristics of a Real Man
Real men are hard to come by, but easy to identify. Here are a few things that separate the guys from the men.
Real Men Create Margin
Real men create margins in their lives and the lives of others around them. They don’t weigh people down, but lift them up. This extends to all areas of life. They make more money than they spend. They accomplish more work than they create. They encourage more than they discourage. Others are better for knowing them. That’s a man.
Real Men Are Tough
There is a toughness that we instinctively identify with masculinity. Men don’t cry at the drop of a hat, don’t limp because of a little pain, and don’t back down from conflict because it’s uncomfortable. Men absorb punishment and keep going. They can carry burdens without breaking down. It’s just how they’re wired.
Real Men Are Tender
When a man’s three year old daughter gives him an I Love You valentine — in September — it affects him. Deeply. He realizes there are times to be tough, and there are times when toughness would be out of place. He gives her the biggest hug he can muster, and he may even shed a tear, because that’s part of manhood, too.
Real Men Are Always Improving
Men keep pushing themselves in all areas of life, striving to improve. They have a stack of books they’re waiting to read, and a larger stack they’ve already tackled. They can run farther this year than last. They are more knowledgeable now than ever before. They are more skilled in their trade than in any point in their life. Improvement doesn’t stop until their heartbeat does.
Real Men Know What to Fight For
We’ve all known a guy who will fight anyone, any time, for any reason. Bump into his shoulder in passing and you’ll have a fight on your hands. Real men know some things are worth defending, while other things are trivial. They don’t confuse the two.
Real Men Fight For It
That may involve throwing a punch. More than likely it will involve throwing words. Words are the weapon of our modern culture, and men know how to use them to defend these they’ve sworn to protect. They use this weapon in unjust situations against abusive people. They wield their weapons with patience, cunning, and great skill acquired through practice.
Real Men Do Hard Things
This includes a whole host of things. They control their desires, work hard, sacrifice, demonstrate honesty, and take correction. They do the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing (which it usually is). They don’t shy away from discomfort, but embrace it and are all the better for it.
Real Men Mentor
That doesn’t mean identifying a younger guy and telling him you’ll make him into a man if he does everything you tell him. Real men are already mentors, whether they know it or not. Future men are drawn to these men, and these men don’t shy away from the responsibility. It’s an honor, and it’s not taken lightly.
This is a short list of the attributes that separate a guy from a real man. What would you add? I’d love to hear from the ladies on this one especially. Let us know what, in your eyes, separates the average guy from a true man.
Action Steps
For starters, you can share this post on Facebook and Twitter and help me get the message out. I’d appreciate it greatly, and you just may make a difference in someone’s life.
Second, if this post was interesting to you, you agree with it, disagree, were challenged by what I wrote, or just want to throw a brick at my face, you can email me (dean@homestrong.net). I read an reply to every email I get. Even the angry ones.
Third, you can contact me below to get a free coaching session, schedule some long term sessions, or hire me to speak to your group of people and help them set their lives in order.
Fourth, I’ve written a short ebook about the topic of manhood, specifically changing a guy into a man. You could buy it, or you can go here to find out how to get it for free.
Greetings.
My name is Dean Mehrkens and I'm a husband, father of eight, and Life Coach, in that order. I live in Minnesota, drink way too much coffee, and enjoy pie. What more is there to know about me?
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Tagged with: life coach • Life Coaching • Real Man
I'm Dean; a husband, father of eight, and life coach.
Dean, this is about a subtle as a brick
Some people think things are up for discussion, or negotiable. But in their hearts, I think most people know what a man is supposed to be — if they’re pretending not to it’s probably because they haven’t got there yet! I realize you’re talking to the men, but I think that these are attributes of adults in general. Women also can and need to be thoughtful, do the right thing, lift up others, etc. We all gotta be good people! Thanks for this.
Yeah, I know some people don’t care for my take on manhood because they think I’m a bit over the top at times. I haven’t found a subtle message to be an affective way to get this concept through to guys. Men get subtly. Guys, not so much.
Good observation about the gender neutral attributes. There is definitely some cross over in the things I listed.
Read:
http://www.singularity2050.com/2010/01/the-misandry-bubble.html
Until you digest this in a logical manner, you will continue to come up with craps. You cannot expect men to continually risk their futures on women who want equality without responsibility or accountability and are backed up by the government with laws and aid that makes men irrelevant besides monetarily.
I live in a progressive town that also happens to be the 8th worst city in the nation for singles. Gloria Steinem likes to visit often. We’ve had slut walks, topless marches, the list goes on and on. Here they stand up for gay marriage but refuse to look at the demise of heterosexual marriage and the root causes of it. For that would point fingers at the same government that props women up would it not? Modern single women who believe in liberalism (even so called conservative women are liberals at heart) or progressive ideology are a lost cause. See a correlation? Problem is it takes down what’s left of the few descent women down with them. As long as people like you refuse to look at the damage a huge government welfare state coupled with anti-male laws that basically faults men for all that happens to women, then don’t expect men to want to participate. Why should they?
You may want to include how a man treats a woman. I can sort of draw from some of the other traits, but I am really looking for something more specific.
I’ve been with a few guys that definitely are not passive, and somewhat chauvinistic but not much. More like depressed and raging.
Anyway, After personally experiencing repeated similar relationships and witnessing several around me, I began to believe that was the norm and I am unsure what exactly is normal and what I should look for.
How does a real man treat a woman?
Excellent suggestion. That is a topic on its own and worthy of its own post (so watch for that in the coming weeks).
Until then, the shorthand answer to how a real man treats a woman can be summed up in one word: sacrificially. This isn’t going to play out in big ways, like taking a bullet or stopping a runaway stagecoach. This is more of an all-invasive way of thinking. Taking the seat in the sun at the restaurant so she gets the shade, getting up with the crying baby because you love her more than you love sleep, picking a job or two she hates and making them your own. Sacrificing time, money, and energy in little ways.
Bitch don’t worry about it!
Way to go Dean. It is obvious to me that we have a lot of whimps in our culture. Moral whimps, financial whimps, spiritual whimps, marital whimps, etc.
The Church is now overloaded with whimps. Leadership boards that don’t lead or have a protectionist agenda; pastors that won’t teach the etire Word of God or practice what they believe, and just men who refuse to take spiritual leadership in their homes, and therefore, their churches.
Charge on – To the Detrich Bonhoeffers in the world!
Thanks for the comment, Keith. It’s my experience that if guys can be shown what a real man looks like in our culture, they’ll gravitate towards it. That’s why modeling and mentoring are so crucial to lasting change.
That’s strange – I searched your site for your definition of a “real woman” and found nothing. Why are there so many “guides” as to what men should do and be with no similar list of unreasonable and demanding requirements for women?
All of your statements sound good … but we live in a society where a man can be all of these things and then still watch his life be destroyed by a sexist court system that will take his children from him and make him pay for a woman he is no longer with; a society where a man standing up for himself can find himself arrested thanks to a false claim from a woman; a society in which he can do everything he can to help those around him and still be told that he is a threat, a potential rapist, pedophile and abuser just because he happens to be male.
So your problem isn’t with anything I’ve written, but that I don’t have a complimentary article and that men are mistreated in society? I’m not sure what that has to do with the content of this article, but thanks for taking the time to read and comment anyhow.
Unfortunately my problem is that without preparing someone for the “real” world you’re making them vulnerable – a kind, honest, decent person is also easily taken advantage of.
You’ve presented an idealised version of a man without considering how an idealised man fits into the world today. What about the issues involving men that you haven’t considered – such as the high suicide rate or problems with health – where do you mention talking about your problems or seeing a doctor when needed? Or, as I mentioned in my previous post, how do you prepare a man who does everything right and then sees it all taken away from him through no fault of his own?
As for asking women what their view of a “real” man is? What’s the point? You will most likely end up with a list of things that benefit the woman but do little for the man, or get a list of more ideals that don’t match reality. Eg. a woman may claim she wants a kind, respectful, decent man … and then she goes off and sleeps with the local “bad guy”. The kind, decent man can look forward to hearing her complain about the bad guy later.
I think your advice would be better placed in context with appropriate warnings in place especially in terms of relationships and marriage. More men need to know about the risks involved in both and learn about things like no fault divorce, your rights concerning children and child support, the problems with pre-nups etc. etc.
I prepare both men and women for marriage in the real world when they come to me before tying the knot. What did I do to give you the impression I do otherwise? Because I didn’t talk about marriage prep in an article about manhood? That seems unreasonable to expect, doesn’t it?
A large part of what I do is help people set and achieve goals, especially in the realm of personal development. I’ve spelled out some of the things I think are worthy of striving to become (the idealized version of a man). I didn’t address how that works in the real world, because that wasn’t the point of this article. To assume I haven’t considered the real world problems facing men today simply because I didn’t include them in this article is unreasonable. This post simply isn’t about the dangers of marriage, nor would that message have a place in this article.
I don’t know where I gave you the idea that I get my view of real men by asking women. If you can point out where I wrote anything to that point, I will rewrite to clarify.
I think women do, in general, want a decent, respectful, kind man (I bet most men want those traits in a woman, too). Simply because a woman sleeps with a “bad guy” doesn’t mean she prefers him. Who a woman sleeps with, isolated from the rest of her life, is a poor way to judge what a woman prefers. Maybe it identifies what she wants in that moment, but that’s not the same as what she wants in general.
As I’ve stated in countless replies thus far, the things you want me to warn people about are related to divorce, not misunderstandings regarding masculinity. Warnings of divorce have as fitting a place in this article as warnings about the dangers of second-hand smoke. Perhaps it would make an interesting post in the future, but nobody has attempted to answer the question of why they think that warning has a place in this article.
And for the record, when working with clients going into or through a divorce, those are precisely the kinds of things I not only warn them about, but help them create an action plan about in order to prevent them from getting the shaft when their fate is in the hands of the court system.
I didn’t say you get your idea of real men by asking women – I was referring to your request below –
“This is a short list of the attributes that separate a guy from a real man. What would you add? I’d love to hear from the ladies on this one especially. Let us know what, in your eyes, separates the average guy from a true man.”
The media seems to be filled with “real” men lists these days and most of them seem to be based on utility and sacrifice with no similar lists available, unless on comedy websites, which define what “real” women should be.
A man can be expected these days to meet all the standards that you list … but there seems to be little demanded of women in comparison – for example, a man may be obligated to pay the bills both while he is married and after the divorce, the wife is obligated to do nothing for him.
I picked divorce because of the impact it is having on men and families and the number of men who have been brought up to think and act in a certain way only to find out later that what they have been told is not true. For example – the idea that doing everything right will mean that your marriage will be a long and happy one. I’m not saying all marriages end in disaster but the sheer number of divorces initiated by women suggests that the likelihood of having a successful marriage isn’t that high.
Re your point of what the women wants in a certain moment compared to what she wants in general – her wants can have a direct impact on the men in her life. While blame can be put on men and women it is unfortunately apparent that if a man cheats he is more likely to lose everything and if a woman cheats then she is more likely to get the kids, house and husband’s income. Her husband can be “ideal” in every way and still come home to find her with the next door neighbour.
I think relationships and marriage have a place in this article far more than any concerns than your comment about second hand smoke simply because men are still lead to believe that the traditional way of life requires them to marry, settle down and have children. I have seen and read about too many relationships where a man may be making every effort to do the right thing but is unaware of certain issues and laws which can affect him. His “real” man behaviour only exposes him to attack and being taken advantage of.
It’s a cynical view, I know, but I think it’s better to know the risks than focus entirely on being the best person you can be without acknowledging the impact of others.
Last comment since I don’t want to fill the message board here – just thought of an analogy that fits my view quite well.
British soldiers were trained, equipped and transported overseas to fight the Germans. Unfortunately the traditional style training and mentality led to thousands of them being wiped out by German machine guns just because their commanders failed to respond to the changes in modern warfare. Marching towards the guns with “stiff upper lips” and “British courage” did nothing more than provide easy target practice for the gunners.
Great article and I really liked the whole male spectrum thing, we all need some balance now don’t we?